I am 72 years old and I am writing a dissertation that explores the meaning of aging. This assumes that there is a meaning and that we can come to know the meaning, if only a little bit, by asking people to tell the story of their aging. I am interested in how people experience aging. Since I am aging, this blog gives me an opportunity to reflect publicly on my experience of aging in hopes that I can better understand myself and enjoy the time I have as an older person.
For me, aging brings with it a number of unexpected emotions. Every once and a while I experience an unmistakable sense of relief, something that hints at the thought, “I am glad I do not have to do that anymore.” This is surprising to me, because it feels so natural and yet, in some ways. so contrary to the spirit of life. The feeling of relief feels like a parasympathetic motion within my body, comparable to breathing or to the heart beating. I do not try to make it happen, but every once and a while I notice it is happening. This seems paradoxical to me in that as I age I feel a greater love for life that seems to expand my heart, but the relief I feel seems to say I am happy that my life is coming to an end. Admittedly, the latter is giving an extreme interpretation to the feeling, the feeling of relief, but the feeling seems to hint at this. Mind you, this is all beyond the cognitive mind, the decision making mind, the logical mind. It lies deeper, as the thread of life lies deeper, deep in the soul. The relief, seems to lift me up a bit allowing me to transcend some of the mundane problems I face. It also brings with it an unmistakable joy, and I wonder to myself, “Is this sense of relief and joy a way my body is able to experience the wonder of life? Is this joy something that will grow as I age? Is this a joy that points to a certain natural enlightenment that everyone, every human being, has the potential to realize? Is this a clue or an insight into the meaning of aging?”
These are questions that I am living with today.